This is a fake political radio ad I made for my strategy and message development class, concerning a fictional pro-gun interest group trying to gain some attention during the recent GOP debate in South Carolina. I got a good grade, and I'd like to show it off now that the semester is over.
The two male voices are me, and the lady is the newly-employed ultra-actress Jessica Dunton.
By Paul Fidalgo, FifteenNineteen News
WASHINGTON -- The Republican National Committee approved plans Tuesday to change its presidential nomination process for 2008, awarding the nomination to the candidate who personally kills Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Under previous rules, the nomination process involved a long, expensive, and protracted series of primary elections and caucuses and the collection of delegates, culminating in a little-heeded national convention.
According to the new rules approved today, the Republican Party will bestow its presidential nomination upon the candidate who is first able to personally invade Iran, disable or destroy all of the country’s nuclear facilities, and assassinate the president – alone and with no assistance from any other person or entity.
“This is a vast improvement to the old way of doing things,” said RNC co-chair Sen. Mel Martinez, R-Fla. “It eliminates the need for candidates to be ‘appealing’ or pass any arbitrary litmus test on social issues.”
“What the American people want is a leader,” added Martinez, “a mean, stealthy, kick-ass, ninja-like leader. Now we can be certain they’ll get one.”
The new rules have thrown the GOP race up in the air, making viable candidates out of some that had once been struggling in the now-irrelevant polls. For example, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney has been lagging in the polls despite impressive fundraising numbers. Before the change, Romney looked to have little chance of actually clinching the nomination. Now, his physical fitness and intimidating stature have made him a clear frontrunner.
In a press statement, Romney said of the new challenge presented to him, “Iran has been a blight on the international scene for decades. Their interference in Iraq, their support of terrorism, and their defiance of the world community have proven that their only interest is to dominate the region with fear. It will be very satisfying to pick Ahmadinejad up with one hand, and strangle him Darth Vader style.”
“He is very small,” added Romney, “and I am very large.”
On the other side of the equation, the change in rules does little to help the ailing campaign of Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., whose advanced age makes it unlikely he will be able to weather the incredible physical test that the nomination contest will present.
A McCain spokesman, upon hearing of the approval of the new nominating rules, was quoted as saying, “Oh, shit.”
McCain himself was stopped by reporters while on his way to the Senate chamber, and responded to questions about his ability to win the nomination, saying, “I withstood five years of unbearable torture in Vietnam a generation ago. Even if I drop dead as soon as Ahma-what-the-fuck’s body falls at my feet, I will be the Republican nominee for president of the United States. What else do I have to live for?”
Expecting this turn of events, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is rumored to have been undergoing an intense workout regimen in preparation for the grueling test that awaits him, and a spokesman for Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-Calif., claims that the candidate is already “halfway to Tehran,” and has killed 47 members of the Iranian Quds force using only his hands and jaws.
“I hope we hear from him soon,” said the aide.
In a move that sources call “unrelated,” former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura has announced that he intends to join the Republican Party immediately, and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is said to be lobbying Congress for what he is calling “some Constitutional tweaks.”
Religious conservative favorite Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan., when contacted by phone about the rules change, said simply, “I keep killing the bastard, I stab, I stab, and I stab, and he just won’t die! Hahahahahaha!!!!” before abruptly hanging up.
This alteration to the GOP’s nomination process comes on the heels of the Democratic Party’s announcement that they are considering awarding their own presidential nomination to the candidate who, according to DNC Chairman Howard Dean, “really, really, totally hates the Iraq war the most-most-most-est times infinity.”
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Vast majority of species utterly discontented
Fattened, wealthy Americans with no reason to complain included
By Paul Fidalgo, FifteenNineteen News
EARTH – Most human beings report being terribly unhappy most of the time, feeling inundated by bad news both in their own lives as well as in the world at large, according to a poll released by the Gallup Organization Thursday. The poll, which surveyed 63,000 random adults all over the planet, stated that 90 percent of humans report a disposition ranging from “generally bummed” to “borderline suicidal”, and over 75 percent agreed with the statement, “life just seems to keep getting shittier.”
When respondents were asked the reasons for their unhappiness, the top responses were related to genocide, mass killings, terrorism, and day-to-day life in war-torn regions. In fact, 58 percent of all respondents reported being “scared shitless most of the time.” Strangely, the second most frequent stated reason for people’s discontent was, “my dissatisfaction with the current Republican presidential field.”
“I mean, are you really surprised?” said University of Virginia political science professor Larry Sabato. “I mean, let’s be honest. Everything sucks. Jesus, the more I think about it, the sadder I get. Do you want a drink? I’m going to have a drink. Many drinks.”
The poll also showed that misery was not unique to impoverished areas of the world where violence and death are daily concerns. The wealthy and powerful in the United States also reported high degrees of malaise or despair, claiming reasons such as global economic instability and “the inability to find good help these days.”
Middle class Americans, generally economically comfortable, claimed their melancholy was due to the war in Iraq, the degradation of “traditional moral values,” and the regularity of the misplacement of keys that are “never where I put them.”
Also, 45 percent of all Americans said that they are “highly frustrated at how long it’s taking Jesus to come back.”
Asked what could possibly reverse or quell their discontent, common worldwide responses were “freedom for my people from tyrannical rule”, “God’s grace to intervene in the hearts of murderers”, and “Fred Thompson’s entrance into the 2008 presidential race.”
* * *This article is fictional satire, in case didn’t catch that. And feel free to Digg this.
First quarter fundraising numbers are (mostly) in, and there were almost no surprises: McCain’s figure’s aren’t all that great, Clinton did really well, and so did Romney. Three sets of second-tier figures stood out to me, however, one of which I’ll elaborate on.
First, Gov. Bill Richardson has raised around $6 million, which in any previous year would be a well-heralded figure, solidifying his place as a serious candidate. It doesn’t quite work that way this time around, but it’s still a respectable figure from a guy that I (and many others) were starting to suspect wasn’t quite taking this race very seriously.
Second, and more surprising, is Gov. Mike Huckabee’s dismal $500,000 showing. This is a candidate that I think conventional wisdom (and my own gut instinct) believes has a chance to catch on down the road, but catching on later requires some devotion now, and Huckabee’s fundraising numbers show anything but. Perhaps with such a dilution of conservative second-tiers, perhaps there’s just no room for Huckabee to break through. I’m certainly not going to count him out yet, but it’s difficult to see this as anything other than bad news for the Huckabee campaign.
The third surprise is the one that raises the most questions for me about the race and the American political arena in general. Sen. Chris Dodd raised a semi-respectable $4 million, which, while not even close to the top tier’s numbers, shows that he has a devoted and possibly growing following. What adds to the intrigue is that Dodd augments his first quarter fundraising numbers with the leftovers from his senatorial campaign war chest, a hefty $5 million, giving him $9 million to work with. Considering that John Edwards is a “top-tier” and has raised in the vicinity of $14 million, suddenly Dodd doesn’t look so weak.
The question this raises for me is this: at this early stage, how much does it really take? Sure, folks like Romney and Clinton are flush with cash, and are fairly safe for the long haul. But if Dodd is strutting around with a “meager” $9 million to play with, is that not enough at least to start making some dents?
It seems to this fascinated amateur that what Dodd needs to do is put a large chunk of that money to use very soon; start using that formidable cadre of advisers, and make some visible and effective ads to be aired in early primary states (I think Hunter and Romney had the right idea to start airing some ads very early on in order to generate buzz, but I think they moved a little too early). He needs to spend some money to make money, as the cliché goes, because if he doesn’t make a splash now, saving those millions for a rainy day aren’t going to do him much good.
Dodd’s a pleasant, funny guy. He looks presidential. Perhaps most importantly, he has the potential to be a mature, stabilizing presence in a Democratic race that may be getting too frantic, too snippy, and too Hollywood, too quickly.
Can’t $9 million make that case in time?
*****
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This is how the joint House committees got started today with Al Gore (at least, as best as I can remember it)...
Rep. Dingell: The chair recognizes the distinguished ranking member Mr. Barton.
Rep. Barton: Parliamentary inquiry.
Rep. Dingell: The chair will hear the inquiry.
Rep. Barton: It seems to me that our distinguished guest and speaker has not followed, to the letter, the long standing rules of this committee stating that before entering the building, said guest must turn around three times, recite a passage from The Principia, hop on one leg and spit. Why has our guest not been held to the same standard as…
Rep. Dingell: The chair thanks his distinguished friend and colleague and informs him, kindly, that the chair has prerogative to fudge things here and there, and the chair has chosen to implement that fudging privilege.
Rep. Barton: Parliamentary inquiry.
Rep. Dingell: The chair recognizes my distinguished and handsome friend and colleague.
Rep. Barton: I am certain that our distinguished and only slightly pudgy guest has neglected to allow us to shave his eyebrows while the distinguished guest sleeps, to be followed by dipping our former colleague’s hand in a glass of water, causing our guest to relieve himself while still in a state of slumber, causing great joviality for the committee, as well as much pointing.
Rep. Dingell: The chair responds thusly.
Silence
Rep. Barton: Sir?
Rep. Dingell: Chairs can’t talk.
Rep. Barton: Ah.
Rep. Dingell: But seriously, the chair responds my saying that he is the chair and can muck about with the rules any way he wants to and in addition la la la la chairs can’t hear you.
Rep. Barton: So noted.
Rep. Dingell: And now I would like to introduce, for the purpose of introducing our distinguished guest, an introduction of my distinguished friend and colleague, the co-chairman of the sub-committee’s joint select committee on the chairing of committees in joint operation with the congressional commission on committee chairs and their jointure-ship with other distinguished chairs of oversight on committee chairmanships’ ways and means and ways of meaning of life, the universe, and my distinguished friend and colleague’s committee.
Rep. Gordon: I’m sorry, what?
Rep. Dingell: Bring on Mr. Enviro-guy
Rep. Gordon: Right.
Pause
Rep. Gordon: Former Vice-President-Senator-Congressman-Quasi-President-Mahatma Albert Gore, Jr. is my constituent now, and he gave me his old congressional seat, in a box, with a bow. My daughter’s having a birthday today, and I’m going to give her this congressional seat for a present, thereby “re-gifting” Mr. Gore’s gift to me, continuing in the proud tradition of democracy. I hope our distinguished uber-guest does not mind. Mr. Gore?
Gore: Mr. Chairman, I would like to thank…
Rep. Barton: Parliamentary inquiry.
Rep. Dingell: The chair recognizes my abortive colleague with the stupid grin.
Rep. Barton: Move to recess for lunch and bribe-taking.
Rep. Dingell: Without objection?
Gore: Well, I…
Rep. Dingell: The motion is passed. Load up, suckers.
END
****
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I’m back!
As my internship and my graduate work keep me very busy, I imagine I will continue to post less frequently than I’d like, but I at least hope to find a little time here and there to make this site worth checking out again.
So here are some thoughts on the recent (though admittedly non-electoral) stink over the firing of U.S. Attorneys: I find this notable not because we’re finding out that work within the Gonzales Justice Department is politically motivated (no! You’re KIDDING!), but for what it reveals about Harriet Miers.When she was nominated by Bush for the Supreme Court, we heard a lot of complaints about her, but we rarely heard from the woman herself. The result, for me anyway, was to give the impression of a well meaning, grandmotherly, semi-competent old lady (“I’ve been nominated for the Supreme Court? Oooh, goodness gracious me, I should bake some cookies for the nice Senators!”). How nice, but why would Bush nominate her to the nation’s highest court? We all kind of cocked our heads at that. Now we find out that she was the one who came up with the idea to clean house in the DOJ, firing all US Attorneys in order to stack the department with attorneys friendly to the administration.
Things are crazy over here as I wind up my show and prepare to move to DC, but I noticed this little news item and I wanted to talk about it a bit.
According to the New York Post, Rudy Giuliani has started recruiting relatives of victims of the 9/11 attacks for his presidential campaign. Now, a few weeks ago, I wrote a piece where I warned that Giuliani would not be the instantly un-nominatable candidate as many pundits are dismissing him. Rather, I posited, the aura of being a (perceived) hero of 9/11 would inoculate him from various attacks on his social stances, unpopular with the GOP rank-and-file. What I didn't write about, because I didn't know the answer, was how he would use that aura himself. I assumed it would be a built-in part of his arsenal. All he would have to do is show up, and the glow of his 9/11 image would bathe him in a halo of heroism. He would hint at it himself, but be very Obama-like in his public modesty, while his underlings went out to the talk shows to discuss nothing but Rudy and that terrible day.
But of course, that wouldn't be enough in and of itself. By actively recruiting 9/11 victims' relatives to officially get on board his campaign, Giuliani can extend the scope of his untouchability by surrounding himself with other even-more-untouchables. Before now, attacking Giuliani would require stepping on eggshells because of what he represents to many people. With this strategy, an attack on Rudy could be perceived/spun as an attack on the victims of 9/11 themselves (much as an attack on Bush is often played as an attack on the troops, which is of course absurd). Rather than step on eggshells, Giuliani's adversaries will have to navigate land mines. It just might work.
Obviously, I am fascinated by the presence of Rudy Giuliani in this presidential race. He is such an anomaly in so many ways, that his emergence as a serious contender throws so many things usually taken for granted right up in the air. In any other time, his stances on social issues truly would make his candidacy for the GOP nomination a joke. Now more than ever I feel that he has to be taken seriously by anybody else planning on running against him, both in the primaries and, if he gets his way, in the general election. It is this kind of unexpected twist that makes following elections so much fun. His hero image is one advantage. The more McCain fights with Romney and minor-leaguers like Brownback and Hunter for the title of "most conservative candidate," the more breathing room it leaves for Giuliani to claim the "electable" mantle. From an analytical perspective, both parties' primaries are going to be very exciting to watch.
Oh, and welcome to the race, John Edwards (I know, we were all shocked), and rest in peace, President Ford.
...and you are, too.
It's a little off topic, but I think this is just fantastic.
The year 2006 hasn't even ended yet, and we're already surrounded by politicians announcing their candidacies for president. I couldn't be happier. Sure, there's plenty of stuff going on in the world, subtle and exhaustive minutiae for the press and blogosphere to pore over, but it's the clash of the pseudo-titans that makes for sexy blog entries! In this posting, I want to address a little-discussed candidacy that I postulate may have a bigger impact than expected.
A few days ago, Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich surprised me by announcing his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination. He had run in 2004, and while he was spirited and passionate, he failed to make a major splash in the campaign. He was an interesting and inspiring side show, running a campaign he couldn't win, but giving us all something to believe in, and even if you didn't vote for him, you probably wished him well, and cheered his few double-digit showings in the primaries. He was a positive influence who had the effect of keeping the leading candidates (as well as debate moderators) honest. I'll never forget when he tore into Ted Koppel at one early debate for asking too many questions about process and the horse race (that's my job, now), and not enough about policy and the war in Iraq.
I thought that would be it for Dennis. He had made his point, and with a new Democratic majority in the House, I assumed he would ease into the role of progressive elder statesman, making reasoned cases for controversial positions, from a place of greater influence. When the news broke that he was back for more, I was surprised. And then, I started thinking.
I am under no illusions that the Democratic Party will be nominating Dennis Kucinich for anything other than his current job any time soon (with the recent victory of Sherrod Brown in Ohio, however, it makes me want to see Kucinich run for his state's Senate seat). He had a lot going against him in 2004 and most of those things still hold true. I will postulate, however, that he may have a much greater impact on the race in 2008 than he did last time around, and wield far more influence.
Kucinich's central problem in 2004 was that the Democrats were looking for someone who embodied the utterly-undefinable term "electable". This is why I think so many people jumped ship from the dynamic Howard Dean at the last minute, and hitched their wagons to the stately-yet-stony John Kerry. Kucinich's turf was the progressive wing of the party, and he talked about unpopular issues and proposed unpopular solutions (though they sounded good to Lefties). He may have been able to stake out a much greater plot had Howard Dean not monopolized the anti-war position so effectively. The progressive's embrace of Dean early on left few arms to hug Dennis.
On the shallower side of things, Kucinich is small and boyish looking. Americans seem to prefer their leaders to be on the tall side (alas, for me), as though they first had to pass a Hollywood screen test for the role before running. Bunch that up with his almost-zero name recognition, his problems as mayor of Cleveland, and his relatively low-profile job (not a governor, senator, or House leader - yes, I know he was chair of the Progressive Caucus. That and 50 cents will...well, you get the idea) and you have only a small-but-passionate smattering of support. Not even Willie Nelson could save him.
This time around, the dynamics of the race will be different. Electability will be a very big deal once again, if not bigger, but its definition will change. US involvement in Iraq, once a subject that required a great deal of hemming and hawing for Democrats, will be an issue that is much wiser to campaign against. Weary of GOP administrations and congresses that bloat government without enhancing its effectiveness in handling national problems, voters will turn to the bolder, more impassioned candidates.
Here is where Kucinich can start claiming some territory. First, it was smart for him to announce as early as he has, because it gives him a little burst of press attention, and allows him to get a head start on gathering enthusiasm for his cause.
Kucinich benefits from some conspicuous absences in 2008's race, namely current DNC Chair Howard Dean, and Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold (who's decision I unpopularly depicted in skit form in an earlier post). With two heros of the Left gone, Kucinich can more easily gather up the disillusioned true believers.
Many believe that the support that would have gone to the two aforementioned men will enthusiastically run to Barack Obama or Al Gore, should they jump in, and that may very well be true. My take, however, is that Obama and Gore will be phenomena unto themselves, not carrying the banner of any particular wing of the party, as either can appeal to a broad spectrum - which is, of course, exactly what they would want!
But while the main event of electability with Clinton vs. Obama (vs. Gore?) rages on, what is left is a line of second-tier moderates all scraping around for the same like-minded folks (yes, I know, I'm painting with a broad brush to make a point. Bear with me). While Edwards, Clark, Vilsack, Biden, Richardson, and the duller-than-Kerry Bayh scuffle over the tiny scraps left by the main contenders, the progressive left will be a wide open prairie in which Kucinich can set up his village (I'm running out of territorial metaphors, here). As of now, he is the only Democratic candidate for president calling for an immediate end to the US presence in Iraq and cutting all funds for the war, and don't think that his position won't sound good to many of the pacifists and pro-dimplomacy folks in the party.
Or maybe none of this will happen.
My point, only, is that unlike he 2004 race, where Kucinich gasped for attention, the 2008 race may finally give him a chance to be heard in a real way, collecting more support, votes, and delegates than anyone expected. He won't win, but he may finally find himself having something he could only dream about last time: influence.
P.S. - Happy birthday, Dad!
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If you're one of the four people who read my little blog, you will have noticed an absence of posts of late. My only excuse is that the past week and a half have seen the opening of my show, The Santaland Diaries at the Blackfriars Playhouse in Staunton, Virginia. It being a short show (albeit one-person show), it has not taken up all my time, but it has taken up most of my energy and brain power, and so I have not quite had the wherewithal to analyze the political currents. Suffice it to say the show is going quite well, and I will be back in full force very soon.
Which brings me to my next point, a pretty important update on my little life, which is very relevant to this project (otherwise, I probably wouldn't bring it up). If you read the "About Paul" section, you know I'm starting graduate school at George Washington University soon to get my master's in political management. What I just found out this week is that starting in January, I'll be interning with ABC News' political unit in DC. This is very exciting, and exactly the kind of thing I want to be doing, but it poses an interesting question; working for a news organization, what will I be able to freely blog about? What ethics will I be bound by, and what rules might I have to follow? I have no idea at this point, but until I know better, I will continue to do as I have. And hopefully, as often as I can.
Until next post!
That'll work if McCain is the nominee, but I don't think he will. read more
on How to Beat John McCain